I am thinking about HUTH (Hanging up the Horns). This means stopping pumping breast milk.
Tomorrow Jac will be 7 months old - so I will have been pumping for 7 months. This seems like an eternity to be hooking my poor, beleagured breasts up to a machine and extracting milk from them. Some days I can't stand it anymore.
It is very trying, and tiring to balance taking care of Jac with pumping. I feel like I am tethered to the pump. I wouldn't mind being tethered to him but the pump is terrible.
In the last 2 days I have twice looked down to find my left breast bleeding and the milk in the bottle full of blood. I am so used to my nipples hurting that it probably took me 5 minutes to notice that I was bleeding.
We have quite a few trips coming up and I am literally dreading the logistics of pumping and taking care of Jac by myself. Argh!
I feel like a terrible mother for even considering this, but I feel like I can be a better mother to Jac in other ways if I stop pumping. I feel anxious and stressed about when/how I am going to pump - all of the time. It is getting harder and harder to feed him and pump at the same time as he gets bigger. I know he is still tiny but it is much harder than it was a few pounds ago.
Yesterday, Joseph mentioned that he is going to have to go out of town some more times for work, leaving me along with Jac - and the pump. Augh! The thought of this strikes fear into my heart. The last time he left - for 3 days and 2 nights - were the seemingly longest of my life. I was counting the hours until he came home.
So - what are the alternatives. Use our freezer stash of milk to supplement - and I can pump less (I don't know if this would work - it is possible my breasts will stop making milk if I pump a lot less - my supply dropped so much over Christmas and Jac has started to eat more - so he and I are pretty much in a dead heat now in terms of production and consumption).
We can try to find a formula that he can tolerate. It is a possibility that he will be okay on Alimentum. We could supplement him with formula and start to use the freezer stash.
What I am worried about with the freezer stash is that during the storage of most of it I was eating dairy. Joseph thinks that it will be okay. During the last part of November and early December I was eating a lot more dairy (ah - Costco pizza) which is when Jac seemed to start having problems. Prior to that I was not having as much dairy and Jac didn't seem to have quite as many problems. Joseph thinks that that means that most of my stash is okay and won't cause Jac major problems. I am not so sure but we are going to need to test it.
This is such an emotional issue for me it is hard to face the idea of stopping and it is hard to face the idea of continuing. I would like to be able to just enjoy my son, and enjoy him growing up, without this darn pump (which I have of course been hooked up while writing this entire post).
Augh!
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You have been wonderful to hold out so long. I know how hard it has been for you. I agree with you. The time has come. Travelling and pumping is going to be hellacious and spoil your fun and hence Jac's.
ReplyDeleteCelebrate how long it has been and see how the frozen milk works for him. Formula has been great for his cousins, it will be great for Jac.
I agree with Toni - you have done a wonderful job. I wish you didn't have pain, so you wouldn't feel so cornered in having to make a decision (you could reasonably decide to stop even without pain). In any case, the seven months have been great for Jac - much more breastmilk than most American babies get! You are absolutely right that there is more to being a mom than lactating, so please don't feel bad if you stop!
ReplyDeleteSame here - you've made a herculean effort to keep pumping for such a long time. You've put up with pain to provide the best you could for Jac.
ReplyDeleteThat having been said, for me, giving up pumping was one of the best things I did for both myself and for Odessa. I stopped dreading feeding time and I actually had time to ENJOY my baby, and not feel like she was a chore.
She did get sick quite a bit during her first year, but I'm not sure how much of that can be attributed to not having breast milk vs. being in day care. This winter, the girl has been healthy as a horse (which I actually attribute to having been sick so often last year - paid our dues, so to speak). Also, they debunked that study that indicated that breastfeeding contributed to a higher IQ when they finally decided take the IQ of the mother into account.
Don't feel guilty. I can give you many examples of kids that were formula fed that turned out just fine. Myself, Henry and Odessa included. You've already given Jac the headstart he needed when he was so young - you have NOTHING to feel guilty about.
I know the pumping has been so very difficult. I hated it and I was breast feeding also. I gave it up at the time we had to travel. You have to make the decision that feels right for you. Maybe you want to ease off slowly (just like you'd wean a baby) and if you change your mind or Jac is having trouble with the formula you can always ramp up again. We're behind you whatever you decide! I'm sorry it has been so painful.
ReplyDeleteHugs from Karen B.