And then there were four

I am pregnant. I am probably about a month along but we don't know for sure. Hmmm... Why am I revealing this so early on in the pregnancy? Well - frankly because I feel sick as a dog, I am tired, and I want to write about it and share it. So - welcome to the ride.

If I am right about how far along I am, then Jac and #2 will be about 16 months apart. Whoa! Joseph and I made an active decision when Jac was born that we would not make any efforts to prevent my getting pregnant a second time. It was difficult to get pregnant with Jac and we decided to let nature run it's course this time. And man did it ever.

I became convinced I was pregnant when I started to feel nauseous. I had been feeling pretty badly, tired etc. but it was the nausea that convinced me. I did two stick tests which were positive and then blood test that was also positive.

And I have been feeling nauseous, on and off, ever since. I just remembered the feeling so clearly from the beginning of my pregnancy with Jac. With Jac, I was nauseous and tired for about 4 months. Augh! That is going to be a much tougher road with an infant to care for. Last time I took to my bed when things got bad. That is going to be much less of an option this time.

Today, I was feeling so sick during the day. It was very hard to hold things together, trapped in the house with the cold wind outside, trapped by his dislike of the car seat. Trapped and tired and nauseous. Augh. Not a good combination.

And then there is the pumping. I am getting much less milk now. This trip was not kind to my milk supply. I was too tired for most of the trip to pump in the middle of the night and feed him. So I fed him and did not pump. Not good. My supply is now less than he needs each day. We have started defrosting milk from the freezer stash. The stash is big, but the portion that he can use, that does not have dairy in my diet is small. At this point I have only needed one frozen bag a day.

During the trip I really pushed using formula. I added it to almost all of his feeds. He did well taking it. And then we traveled home. I discovered how much he does not like MM (Mother's Milk) combined with formula that has been sitting at all. MM can sit for up to 10 hours after it has been pumped (I never let it sit that long but sometimes it will sit 2 hours between feeds and he is fine with it). The combination of formula and MM just doesn't last very long. He really doesn't like it. Problem. After the trip home he did not want to take formula at all. We have taken him off the formula all day today and will try to start it again.

I really need him to start taking the formula. At this point my pumping future is short. Feeding three is more than I can handle for a long period of time. I think it would be different if I were breastfeeding, but pumping is just too draining (physically and emotionally). It is a very hard thing to imagine stopping, but I need to, for everyone's sake. I just hope that Jac's health will be ok without it. Perhaps he will start growing better on the more caloric formula.

We weighed him last night, he was 3.92 kg - 8.64 pounds. This means that he only gained 100 grams - or 3 ounces in 1 month. It is something, but not much. We were hoping that all of the formula that we have been feeding him would make a difference. Maybe it will soon.