Another breastfeeding attempt

With the help of my my very patient and very insightful husband we made another attempt at breastfeeding tonight.

We used the nipple shield and a new position - with Jac cradled in the crook of my left arm to get him in a good position. Jac was very fristrated at first and we needed to calm him and encourage him but after a few minutes of struggling and a few times repositioning both me and him he got a good latch and started sucking.

He sucked enough to start getting milk - and did about 15 swallows before he got frustrated. We then let him rest and then tried the other side. We were not as successful there and Jac did not get latched on.

I am very glad he is trying and that we are making some progress but I have to admit to a great deal of frustration mixed with sadness. I feel so sad to see my baby struggle - to have to use the nipple shield rather then going straight to the breast - and to see him cry when it is not working. It seems like this would be much easier if he were not my first baby and I knew what successful breastfeeding looked like - and how frustrating it can be even for a full size, full term baby. I feel frustrated that we can't seem to find the mesh for this - and that it feels very uncomfortable. It is hard for me to find a position that seems to be comfortable for both Jac and I.

I so want to be the best mother and it is so hard when I am so tired. It feels like it is all I can do to get through the days and nights with my sanity.

My mother left this evening. It was great to have her here. She learned how to feed him so I was able to sleep through a few feedings during a couple of days. I am not back to being on my own during the day - and trying to be on my own at night. I made it last night and the night before without waking Daddy up - but that was with the knowledge that my Mom would be around in the morning to relieve me so I could get a little sleep. I will have Joseph all weekend which is so great - and hopefully our friend Leslie will come back next week and help some! Please Leslie! Jac and I need you!

Jac has been really gassy - and just uncomfortable. I have ended up sleeping with him on my chest for part of the last 2 nights - it was the only way I could calm him and sleep at the same time. I would wake up each time he would and pat him back to sleep. I know this is nothing in comparison to a real high-needs baby but it is tiring nonetheless.

We are not sure why Jac is so gassy and uncomfortable. I think it is because of the Nutramigen formula that we are using the fortify the breast milk. We have been giving him 60 ml of breast milk with 25 ml of Nutramigen to get to the equivalent of 26 kcal per ounce. I called the pediatrician this afternoon and the nurse told us we would reduce the fortification to the equivalent of 24 kcal by using 16 ml of Nutrmaigen to 60 ml of breast milk. I hope this helps some. If Jac and I can get to breastfeeding we can forget all of this fortification and just go straight. Part of me so wants to save him all of the pain and just give him breast milk even if it from the bottle for now. But it has been made very clear it is very important that Jac catch up in his growth now - and so we have to do everything we can to help that process. It feels though that all of the energy that he is expending feeling uncomfortable and fussing and crying could be used to grow - but it is hard to know if we went straight breast milk if that would really help - and do I really want to always ask myself how he would have grown differently if I had only fortified his food for longer. Augh!